A parent’s life journey with an LGBTQ+ child
Pride Month is an annual celebration in June that honours LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and other identities) communities, their history, and their contributions to society.
With the progress that the Pride movement has made, many young adults in the UK feel confident ‘coming out’ to their parents, largely believing that their declaration will be accepted and supported. However, while they may have been aware of their identity for some time, ‘telling their truth’ can still be nerve-wracking. For their families, the news often comes as a shock.
As a parent, you are often the most affected, and you will have your own journey of acceptance to go through. Particularly if the news was unexpected, you may feel sadness, anxiety, grief, and even embarrassment.
Will it affect their future? Acceptance of gender diversity has come a long way, particularly among younger people, but some individuals and communities are persistently prejudiced. Knowing your child might face discrimination, denial of equal opportunity or be subjected to verbal or physical assault is obviously something you will worry about.
But all minorities of race, religion, ability and gender will experience physical and social barriers. They learn to keep themselves safe and work around the challenges that arise.
Are you embarrassed? As a parent, you may dread a friend or colleague responding with pity or treating the information as salacious gossip.
If you don’t want to tell anybody until you’ve come to terms with it yourself, that’s fine. Being supportive doesn’t mean you have to tell the world on day one; you need to feel comfortable dropping it into conversation in a way that feels natural.
Besides, it’s your child’s news and unless they ask you to share it, it’s really their story to tell.
Dealing with questions: Sometimes you might find friends or grandparents asking, “Does she have a boyfriend?”, and it might be easier to say ‘no’ than to correct the question by saying “no, she’s gay and has a girlfriend”. Again, don’t feel pressured to enter into a conversation about it until you are ready.
Don’t ask them to hide it: If your child wants to tell people, don’t ask them to keep it secret. That will make them feel that it’s something to be ashamed of. However, particularly when coming out to an older generation, it is worth explaining that it might take them a bit of time to come around.
In time: The internal vision you’ve held for them since they were born has irrevocably changed, but you will adjust. Particularly as it becomes common knowledge amongst friends and family, you will accept this is simply who they are. Finally, know that the LGBTQ+ community is a vibrant and welcoming space – allow yourself to experience its joy and diversity.
Michelle’s story
Michelle had suspected her son was gay for two years before he came out. She says, “He was nearly sixteen when he confirmed it, but I still had the same emotional journey as any parent would.
“As he reached his late teens, I started worrying for different reasons. Being gay means there is a much smaller pool of potential partners, and I was so sad when he went on dates that didn’t work out, or he was stood up.
“When he did finally meet someone – he was well into his twenties – I was delighted. It’s what you want for your child, isn’t it? Everybody deserves to be loved”.
Gary’s story
Gary had separated from his wife when his daughter was only three years old. He says, “Perhaps the fact I wasn’t living with her meant I didn’t spot the signs when she was in her teens, but when she told me she was transgender, I was completely shocked and, to be honest, devastated.
“I recognise that I didn’t handle it well. I told him that he would have a difficult life and it would limit his career plans. I referred to him by his female name longer than I should have. It caused a rift for a while, but eventually I realised that he couldn’t change who he was and unless I accepted that, he wouldn’t be in my life at all. Common sense and my love for
